AliHasStories

I’m nowhere close to ready to date. I’m not like my ex in that regard, who eagerly and happily jumped into a relationship the day he walked over me, crumpled on the ground and sobbing in disbelief, to move in with his new girlfriend. He gets very upset when I don’t say that they weren’t dating immediately, they were just friends. I get upset that I have to point out that five days after he left he told me they had feelings for each other, and two weeks after that they were officially dating.

Do I need to point out how absurd it is for him to continue insisting he’s a better guy than he is? No one, not my family, friends, therapist, or strangers believe they weren’t at least emotionally cheating prior to him leaving. He’s not stupid, so I’m not sure why he’s acting like he is but I can only assume it’s to hide from his own cowardly weakness.

But that was June and this is November. I’ve made some progress in working through the bomb he dropped on our lives, on what I thought was the rest of my life. I’ve made some progress dealing with the hurt, pain, disbelief, confusion and anger he brought on me by breaking his vows. By rewriting our history and turning it into something it never was. By fucking another chick while we were still married, though separated. By disappearing from my life like he was never there and seemingly adopting a whole new family while making a “clean” break from his old one.

That progress has led to curiosity about what dating might be like for me now, thirteen years after the last time I had to think about it.

The first complication is definitely the fact that I have zero desire for any kind of relationship beyond physical. I didn’t think that would be a complication, given that I used to turn around and be offered sex everywhere I was. I thought I knew what Tinder was, but I’ve learned it seems to be full of people only looking for relationships, now. Bizzaroland.

The second complication is that I’m about to travel permanently. What I really need are some FWBs, because making plans for sex with complete strangers feels weird now.

The third complication is me, I think. I’ve intimidated men my whole life, and never quite understood why. Friends tell me I’m too smart for most people. I don’t mean to be, nor do I try to out-intellectualize anyone on anything. In fact, I crave good conversation in any form, and I love to be social and have fun. I get hit on all the time, but no one seems actually interested when it comes down to it. I wish I knew why.

I suppose the reasons for this are best discussed between my therapist and I, not necessarily here. The complication exists nonetheless…

I really see why so many people have just found themselves a situationship. That feels like my future. I like me, and I like spending time with me, so I don’t have a desperate loneliness or hole I want to fill. Someone being in my life will have to be on my terms for now. Sorry not sorry.