Happy pine tree eve and pine tree day. I don’t celebrate this particular holiday, for two reasons. One, I’m an atheist, and two, I’m anti-consumerism. So, for the first time in my life, I’m spending these two days completely alone. No more rushing from one house to the next, attending my grandmother’s tiny church with like, six old people and me, holding battery operated candles and singing ALL the verses of “Silent Night.” Did you know that song has a bizarre amount of verses? I wouldn’t have, without going to that goofy place. No more pretending to eat terrible, bland food, no more chit chat, or reminiscing. It’s so quiet, too.
I know it seems like I’m about to tell you how incredibly sad it is that I’ll never have that again, with my own family or with my now ex-in-laws. And it is, in a way. But mostly, I just feel this enormous sense of peace, sitting right in the middle of my chest, warm and glowing. It’s just a Wednesday for me, and that’s actually so okay. I don’t feel lonely, or alone, abandoned or rejected, even though I am most of those things. I feel calm and centered. And I even accidentally went to Walmart today.
It was as I was crawling through the traffic line trying to get to the road that leads to Walmart that I realized my mistake. Because while I may not celebrate this particular holiday, most of the world does in some form or another, and that matters when the whole world is at the one Walmart I usually shop at. Instead of getting irritated or impatient, instead of grumbling or just abandoning the groceries I needed (and I mean like, needed, especially with stores closed tomorrow), I smiled. Not ironically, not in a self-deprecating way. A genuine smile from my soul. It just seemed like the funniest, dumbest thing and it truly cracked me up. It made me snort laughted, as a dear friend of mine likes to say. I think he says it ironically, anyway.
I crept my way across the Walmart parking lot, managed to slither into a parking spot, and made my way carefully to the front of the store, where I found exactly zero shopping carts. For some reason, I turned in a complete circle as I tried to decide what to do about that. I was considering just going back into the parking lot and hunting my own down, but there were some over to the side outside that I could just go get. But also, didn’t I see some guys wheeling carts up the aisle I just walked down? As I completed my circle, I locked eyes with the bell ringer, who was openly staring at me as I spun and considered options.
These just aren’t the kinds of things I get embarrassed about, if I’m being frank. I don’t really care if people think I’m bonkers, because I probably am. Luckily for me, though, it’s in a quirky, cute way that doesn’t negatively impact anyone except people who are obsessed with being “regular” and “normal.” Anyway, a line of carts appeared in front of me and the guy even had one separated and waiting for me. With a smile. Working at Walmart on Christmas Eve. That made me smile again, and I couldn’t stop smiling all the way from the grocery entrance catty-corner across the store to the RV supplies.
There were people everywhere. And not in a normal, “Yeah, sure, but you’re at Walmart,” kind of way. In like a what the hell is wrong with me that I’m here, getting regular groceries out in these crazy streets like a fool, and like, almost enjoying myself?? But I was, for no apparent reason. When I reached the RV supplies aisle, I nearly ran straight into a guy, laughed and apologized, then immediately bumped into his mother. They laughed along with me as I said something along the lines of “I’m so sorry, this will probably just keep happening all day.” We exchanged really friendly pleasantries for another moment, and then I made my way toward the grocery side.
I moved throughout the store with ease, in spite of cart traffic jams, random lines in a place I couldn’t even hazard a guess as to why, and just so many people. Every single thing on my list was in stock, and I made my way toward checkout, guessing that this would be where this easy pace I had would end. I passed the line going the wrong way toward checkout stands, and entered the nearly empty checkout line at the right place. I moved straight to a cashier and only had one person in front of me buying like, four things.
Once it was my turn to checkout, I asked the cashier if she was surviving this nuttiness. She laughed one of those real and genuine laughs that kept that warm feeling in my chest and we talked throughout the checkout process about fighting lines during Christmas when you need to leave to eat lunch but you only have thirty minutes, and how you only ever got about five actual minutes to eat. “Girl, seven minutes today,” she laughed, and we commiserated happily until I had paid. I told her I hoped she made it through the madness and that I’d be sending all my good vibes her way.
I loaded up my truck and started toward the other store I needed to stop by, still marveling at how completely UNstressed I was feeling. The intersection I left through is notoriously backed up at the best of times, as it becomes a feeder from the giant mall next door into the intersection, with no light to regulate the flow of the two feeders merging within 400 feet of the intersection. I fully expected to sit through the light at least two, maybe up to four times. Instead, everyone zippered in and let the left turners stream through a gap while the light was red. Once it turned green, a stream of at least thirty-five people made it through the light, myself included, during that time.
My next store was significantly less busy and I was able to breeze through. They also had everything I needed, and before I knew it I was home. Don’t get me wrong. The trip should’ve taken me about an hour round trip. I was gone nearly three. So it wasn’t that things were moving fast, just easily.
Now I’m in my camper, my dogs are behaving, it was bizarrely 78 degrees today and my windows and door are open, and I’m still just feeling so incredibly relaxed, chill, and peaceful. Maybe spending this time alone is like, good for me…I almost dare say, abandoning all the traditions I never really benefited from to begin with has given me the ability to spread actual good cheer. Because I’m kinda free.
So if anyone out there is like me, I personally think it’s worth considering whether we shouldn’t all start adopting new traditions that don’t align with empty consumerism blended with various religious and pagan symbols, and embedded in the American way. If they work for you as is, more power to you, and I wish you the best time you could possibly have. But if you’re like me…
This has been a really great day.
Be well,
Ali
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